Ask, Don’t Assume: Questions That Create Connection Instead of Conflict
I have been married for a while, and I know how easy it can be to think, "My partner should just know." Or maybe it's, "I already know what is going to happen." "I already know what they're going to say." "I already know how they're going to respond." So we don't ask, we assume. Sometimes, we are so convinced we already know that we respond to the conversation before it has even happened.
Assumptions can be toxic in relationships because assumptions are those moments when we think we know something and then respond to that thought as if it were the truth.
But what if it isn't?!? What if your partner doesn't think the way you do? What if they didn't mean what you thought they meant? What if they actually want to support you but haven't been given the opportunity to show you?
One of the most common mistakes we can make in relationships is thinking we know.
Sometimes assumptions look like believing our partner is against us and that they are intentionally trying to hurt us, put us down, be demeaning, or make us feel unimportant. We start seeing our partner as the enemy instead of our friend.
And here's where it gets interesting...
Have you ever had a conversation with your partner that never actually happened, but you were already angry about it? You think about something you want to bring up. You play the entire conversation in your head. You imagine what they are going to say. You imagine how you are going to respond. You get frustrated. You get defensive. Then your partner walks into the room and you are already upset with them.
But they haven't even said anything.
That's the pattern we want to break. Instead of assuming, and let's be honest, we usually assume the worst, ask.
Start With Yourself
Before you ask your partner anything, it can be helpful to ask yourself a few questions.
Are there topics that I am more protective of than others?
Maybe there are certain conversations where you feel more vulnerable, defensive, or afraid of being dismissed. Recognizing those areas can help you understand why you may be more likely to assume what your partner is going to say.
If there is disagreement, am I capable of handling it effectively?
Disagreement does not automatically mean rejection (even if it feels like it). Your partner can disagree with you and still love you, respect you, and be on your side.
What has happened in the past that I am worried about and what do I need to feel supported now?
Sometimes our assumptions are connected to something that happened before. Maybe you have been hurt, dismissed, or disappointed in the past, and now your brain and bodily reactions are trying to protect you from experiencing it again.
Understanding where that fear comes from can help you respond to what's happening now instead of only responding to what happened then.
And perhaps one of the hardest questions:
Am I willing to give my partner the opportunity to show up for me with support?
We can not ask someone to show up differently if we never give them the opportunity to do so.
Ask Instead of Assuming
Sometimes a simple question can completely change the direction of a conversation. Take a curious approach.
Instead of assuming your partner intentionally said something to hurt your feelings, try:
"I don't think I understand. Can you clarify what you meant by that?"
Instead of assuming your partner doesn't want to participate in something you enjoy, try:
"Can we go to the beach together? I would really love to spend time with you."
Instead of assuming your partner is lying, try:
"Hey, I noticed this. Can you tell me a little bit about what that was about?"
Instead of assuming your partner doesn't like or appreciate you, try:
"What do you admire about me?"
Instead of assuming your partner doesn't want to spend time with you, try:
"Can we sit down and just hang out together this evening?"
Instead of assuming your partner will get upset about something you want to discuss, try:
"There's something that's been on my mind. Is now a good time to talk or would it be better for us to sit down this evening?"
Instead of assuming your partner is trying to push you away, try:
"What do you need from me right now?"
or
"How can I help you right now?"
These questions may feel awkward at first. Especially if you've spent a long time assuming you already know the answer. But that's the point.
You don't actually know until you ask.
Assumptions are challenging because we tend to pay attention to patterns. If something has happened several times before, our brain starts telling us, "See? This is how it always goes." And sometimes, our assumptions are accurate. That's what makes this so hard.
You may ask the question and find out that your partner really was upset. You may ask for clarification and realize your concerns were valid. Asking instead of assuming does not guarantee that you will get the answer you want. But it does give you something important:
You get to respond to reality instead of responding to the story you created in your head.
Healthy relationships require us to recognize that people can change and grow. Your partner may not always respond the way you hope, but they also may not always respond the way they have in the past. Give them the opportunity to show you. And give yourself the opportunity to learn something new about the person you love.
We probably won't completely stop making assumptions. It's part of being human. The goal is to recognize when an assumption shows up, pause, and decide whether we need to treat that thought as fact or if we need to ask a question. Sometimes the difference between conflict and connection is simply:
"I know what you're doing."
versus
"Help me understand."
If assumptions have become a pattern in your relationship, couples therapy can help you recognize the patterns that are creating conflict, communicate your needs more effectively, and create space for curiosity instead of defensiveness. You don't have to stop making assumptions completely. You can learn to notice them, question them, and choose a different response.
